Before You Say "I Do": Counting the Cost and Entering the Covenant
Welcome to this celebration. To the families gathered on both sides, to friends who have traveled near and far, and to every guest who has come to witness what is about to happen here — welcome. Something sacred is taking place today. Two people are about to make promises that only God can sustain, and we are privileged to stand in the room when they do.
But before the vows are spoken, before the rings are exchanged, the Word of God has something to say. And what it says is both honest and beautiful.
Counting The Cost
Open your Bible, or follow along in your mind, to Luke 14. Jesus is speaking to a large crowd, and He says something that might surprise you in a wedding sermon. He says this:
"For which of you, wanting to build a tower, doesn't first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, after he has laid the foundation and cannot finish it, all the onlookers will begin to make fun of him, saying, 'This man started to build and wasn't able to finish.' Or what king, going to war against another king, will not first sit down and decide if he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If not, while the other is still far off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. In the same way, therefore, every one of you who does not renounce all his possessions cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:28-33, CSB)
Jesus is talking about discipleship. He is talking about the kind of commitment that requires you to sit down, think clearly, and count what it will cost before you begin. He is not trying to discourage anyone. He is trying to produce the kind of follower who will not quit when the road gets hard.
Now hear this carefully. Marriage is not the same as salvation, and the two of you are not being asked to earn your way into God's favor. But the wisdom Jesus applies to discipleship applies directly to covenant marriage, because Christian marriage is itself an act of discipleship. It is a decision to follow Christ together, to lay down your own agenda, and to build something that will outlast every easy season and every difficult one.
So before you say "I do," Jesus is asking you: have you sat down and counted the cost? Have you prayed honestly about what you are entering? Have you set aside romantic fantasy long enough to make a real promise?
That kind of sober, prayerful preparation is not the enemy of joy. It is the foundation of it.
Humility As The Architecture Of Love
Now turn to Philippians 2. The Apostle Paul writes to a church he loves, and he tells them what genuine Christian community looks like from the inside. Listen to what he says:
"If then there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, make my joy complete by thinking the same way, having the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 2:1-5, CSB)
Paul wrote those words to a congregation, but they describe a marriage more precisely than almost any other passage in the New Testament. Read them again with the two of you in mind.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Consider the other as more important than yourself. Look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of the one beside you. Adopt the attitude of Christ.
This is the architecture of a lasting marriage. Not dominance. Not performance. Not the keeping of a careful score. The architecture is humility, and the model is Jesus Himself.
Notice what Paul does not say. He does not say one of you should be humble and the other should be served. He says both of you should look to the interests of the other. That is a mutual calling. It is a daily, repeated, sometimes costly decision to place your spouse's wellbeing alongside your own, and sometimes ahead of your own, because that is what Christ did for the church He loves.
What Covenant Actually Means
A covenant is not a contract. A contract says: I will do my part as long as you do yours. A covenant says: I am bound to you by promise, by witness, and by the grace of God, and I will keep that promise even when it is difficult, because my faithfulness is not conditioned on your performance.
You are about to make a covenant promise. That promise will be tested. Not because something is wrong with your marriage, but because that is the nature of real life. There will be seasons of joy and seasons of strain. There will be mornings when love feels effortless and mornings when it requires everything you have. In those harder mornings, what will hold you? Not feeling. Not memory alone. What will hold you is the promise you made before God and these witnesses, and the grace of the God who keeps His own promises to you.
That is why Christ must be at the center of this marriage. Not as a decoration on the ceremony, but as the living Lord of your household. When you pray together, when you serve together, when you forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you, you are not just being religious. You are building the tower Jesus described. You are counting the cost and choosing to finish what you started.
A Charge To The Two Of You
So here is the charge I leave with you today. Pray together, not just in crisis but in ordinary life. Hold honest expectations, because real love is not surprised by difficulty. Walk in humility, each one considering the other more important than yourself. And keep Christ at the center, because a marriage built on Him is built on the only foundation that does not shift.
May the God who called you to one another sustain you in one another. May your home be marked by grace, your years by faithfulness, and your love by the humility of Christ. And may every person in this room, whether they know Jesus or are still searching, see in your marriage a picture of the love that never fails.
Sources Consulted
Blomberg, Craig L. Luke. New American Commentary. Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 1992.
Fee, Gordon D. Paul's Letter to the Philippians. New International Commentary on the New Testament. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1995.
Hawthorne, Gerald F. Philippians. Word Biblical Commentary. Waco: Word Books, 1983.
Marshall, I. Howard. The Gospel of Luke: A Commentary on the Greek Text. New International Greek Testament Commentary. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1978.
Thielman, Frank. Philippians. NIV Application Commentary. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995.
Before preaching: verify every biblical reference, replace general language only with couple-approved details, and revise the message in your own Christian tradition and pastoral voice.